GRIEVING THE DEATH OF SOMEONE YOU LOVE AND KNOWING HOW TO HEAL
I remember it like it was yesterday… or even an hour ago. I was upstairs, it was about 9 am on Friday morning and my Dad called to me to come downstairs. He had been on the phone with the ICU doctors prior and had some news. I sat in the chair at the bottom of the stairs and he started to tell me that Mom was coming home today. I was so happy!
My Mom had been in the ICU for almost two months and at this point, Covid had ripped her lungs apart. Her lung walls were so thin that they began to tear. The doctors placed tubes in her chest cavity to release excess pressure inside her chest, abdominal, and neck region. My Beautiful Mom had so much excess air being released in her neck and chest that she couldn’t even talk or even resembled herself.
Thankfully the tubes released quite a bit of trapped air and she began looking like herself again and could talk again. Unfortunately, when they went to remove the tubes and blew a larger hole in her lungs.
The Dreadful News
As I sat there as my dad was telling me this, thinking… this is so great. Mom can come home and we can just take care of her and get her well again. But as my Dad went on, he said the dreaded words… they are giving your Mother 2 weeks to live.
I couldn’t… I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. The tears just burst out and I was sobbing. I knew he was right because they would never send someone home straight from the ICU in her condition. But I didn’t want to believe it.
I was angry, mad, hurt, upset, confused and I didn’t know how to process it all.
If I couldn’t process all of that, I know my Dad was in shock as well. My parents had met when they were 15 and just had their 50th wedding anniversary two days after my Mom tested positive for Covid. I know he was hurting as well.
The Passing Of My Mother
She didn’t last 2 weeks, my Mom died two days later.
Friday
They brought her home on a stretcher and the fear in her eyes was unbearable. We had set up a hospice bed in the living room and got her set up. We didn’t tell my Mom about the two weeks but I think she knew.
Saturday
Saturday, I didn’t leave her side. She was in great spirits and I made her favorite, Crepes and Chicory Root Coffee. She looked great and a few people stopped by to say hi to her. That night she wanted to sleep in her own bed, this wasn’t an easy task either, but she wanted to be with my Dad.
In the middle of the night, my Dad called me, my Mom had slipped out of bed and he couldn’t get her back up. I ran downstairs and saw her on the ground. Shaking and tears rolled down her face, she was incoherent. I tried to help my Dad lift her but I had just had surgery on my arm two days before. I ran to get my other sister.
All Through the Night to Sunday
My mom’s heart rate was above 170 bpm for hours. We couldn’t get her to calm down, but yet she was incoherent and we knew she was transitioning to the next step of passing away. My sister and I held her all night, checking her pulse and oxygen levels. They began to stabilize hours later, but we knew it wasn’t going to belong.
By Sunday afternoon we had everyone there and we all sat next to her. Holding her hand and reading to her. We each took a few minutes alone with her to talk to her, hoping she could hear us. Which had to be the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Sunday night, my Mom peacefully passed away and we continued to sit with her till they came to take her away. My poor mom succumbed to her biggest fear… dying from Covid.
Losing Someone You Love
I still come downstairs every morning, expecting to see my Mom. If she’s not in the living room, I’m certain she’s in her bedroom doing her hair and makeup. But then reality hits me and I know she’s not here anymore.
For me, it has been extremely hard because for a whole year it’s been her and I. I moved up back home to take care of her during the pandemic while my Dad worked out of state with my brother. We spent a lot of time together… because there wasn’t much else you could do during this time. I cooked for her, and made her try all my gluten, sugar, and dairy-free recipes. We talked about everything we could possibly think of and on other days we left each other alone when we needed space.
My Mom, like most, is the glue that has held our family together. When Dad calls, we always ended up talking to Mom instead. I never called her because we would end up being on the phone for at least 3 hours. Everyone loved her and came to her for advice. She was an amazing artist and cook and still could rock a ponytail with a bow at her age. She beat to her own drum and was a truly awesome person.
Letting Go
I knew if she lived after what her body had gone through, quality of life would be terrible for her. This is why losing my Mom becomes such a selfish grieving process for those who loved her.
Grief is classified, by David R. Hawkins in his book, Letting Go, as a feeling of sadness and loss. Loneliness. The feelings of abandonment, pain, helplessness, and hopelessness. Nostalgia. Melancholy. Depression. Longing, Irretrievable loss. Heartbrokenness. Anguish and disappointment.
These are feelings that come to ALL of us, whether it is losing a loved one to Covid, by natural causes, tragically or even ending a relationship. But at one point we all have felt grief, it’s not easy and more importantly, we aren’t alone.
Support System
For me, I had an amazing support system during these last few months. I had the support even before my Mom’s passing. I spent many hours crying on the phone, texting, and venting to loved ones which allowed me to express my grief.
What’s more important is to understand that showing grief is not a sign of weakness! By showing grief and not suppressing it, we can then begin to accept it. Once we stop resisting it… we give up our pride.
How many times have we heard don’t cry and be strong… especially as women? You don’t want to look weak or fragile, so you suck it up and pride sets in, along with anger and resentment.
Inner Peace
Brene Brown says, when we are vulnerable is when we grow the most. By showing your vulnerability, you begin to let go, acceptance sets in and then you have the courage to overcome grief.
You have the feelings of ‘I can do it’ and ‘I can handle this’. With the courage to face our inner feelings and let them go, we overcome grief and move towards acceptance and then eventually, inner peace.
Courage
When I was younger, I remember my Mom always crying. To be honest I looked at her as weak, till I got older and started understanding that this was far from a weakness. Those who can acknowledge their feelings and let go of the shame and embarrassment of showing their emotions are extremely strong!
I told her this a few months back and she looked at me very shocked. She mentioned to me that she thought herself weak because as she put it… her emotions got the best of her. I said, “no Mom… not everyone is capable of showing their emotions, and those that can are much stronger because they don’t fear them but yet express them”.
Time Can Heal
Holding my Mother’s hand as she passed away and now a life without her is one of the hardest things I have gone through. The stronger the bonds you have with someone, the more energy has been invested in that relationship, and the harder the grief is when losing them.
I find myself crying randomly and I choose not to fight it off. I cry around other people and interesting enough, they begin crying with me, for their own loss, whatever that might be. As time passes it becomes easier, not because of time itself, but the fact that I allow myself to feel the grief and pain. I try to understand that the loss is great but that I am strong enough to show my emotions and heal.
When grief comes up, ask yourself why are you in pain and hurting? Allow yourself to feel those emotions and then accept them. Understanding that nothing is permanent and what you thought you couldn’t handle, YOU CAN. As your grief turns into acceptance and then to courage, you grow and become stronger as a person, friend, partner, daughter/son, Mother/ Father, and a human being.
This has been the greatest gift my Mom has ever taught me. I love you, Mom.
I’m not sure how I came across this article but the timing couldn’t be more perfect. I too, lost my mother to COVID-19. My dad tested positive and she tested negative. A few days pass and he was better but she couldn’t breathe. She was rushed to the hospital on January 7, then testing positive at the hospital. Pneumonia had set in. 2 days later she was so fatigued she asked to be put on a ventilator. We were not allowed to see her until February 20th. We only saw her on FaceTime where we could talk to her but no response about 4 times. Like your mom her lungs were heavily damaged. My mom would never be able to live without a ventilator and always be somewhat sedated. That was definitely not her wishes nor was it her personality. My dad and I made the decision to let hospice come in. Once she was unhooked from the vent she only made it for 30 mins. 2 of my children, myself and my dad were there holding her hands, fixing her hair, telling her stories and listening to her favorite music. The day we had hospice begins the transition was the only day she was not trying to fight the machines. All her stats were good and she was opening her eyes some as if she knew we were there to comfort her. She was at peace with what was happening. She was our rock and my dads caregiver as he has Parkinson’s. He says he still sees her at home sitting m the rocking chair and talks to her often. It is making it harder for him with the Parkinson’s to mentally keep things straight. Hallucinations are also a part of Parkinson’s. It will take time for both of us and now I become his caregiver along with my own 3 children and husband. It’s been hard to take time to let the emotions flow.
Sorry for your loss but thank you for writing such a touching emotional piece about your mom. Many blessings to you and your family and know you are strong and never alone.